How I Got My 4 Year Old Daughter to Get Ready and go to Bed by Herself

If you've been following my blog posts at all, you'll know that my husband and I have had our share of challenges to get our strong-willed four year old daughter to wash up and go to bed. 

After a couple months of, what I call, creative parenting, this is what transpired this evening:

Pre-Bedtime SCENE

My husband and my 6 year old son are in his room doing an activity on the iPad.  I am sitting in my room breastfeeding the baby.  My 4 year old daughter (Little Sister, LS for short) is talking to herself doing some kind of waking activity.  It's around 8 PM or soon to be.

Since I'm feeding the baby, I am wondering if LS will wash up and go to bed without me physically being there beside her.

ME:       (Talking to my baby who is breastfeeding, but intending for LS to hear me.) Hey, Baby, my pyjamas are right there on the bed.  We can finish feeding and get them on before Sister gets her pjs on.

LS:       (Runs into my room and starts taking off her top.)  I'm gonna be faster than you!  (Runs back to her room.  Runs back to my room all undressed except for her socks.)

ME:  (Talking to my baby, but indirectly to LS)  Don't worry, baby.  She still doesn't have her pyjamas on.

LS:  (Runs back to her room.  Briefly whines in a high pitch.)  I can't find my pyjamas!

DADDY:  (From Remy's room comes to deliver a newly washed pair of pjs for LS.)

LS:  (Delighted that she has fresh clean pyjamas, runs back to her room half wearing the pjs.  Runs back to my room.)  Mommy, I can't find my button.

ME:  (I show her that the button was at the top, that she misbuttoned the shirt.)

LS:  (Laughs.  She runs back into her room and comes back again all dressed in her pjs.)  See, I'm all done.

ME:  (Again, pretending I'm talking and conspiring with my baby.)  Don't worry baby, she's in her pjs, but she still hasen't brushed her teeth yet.  We can still get dressed and brush our teeth first.

LS:  (Immediately runs to the bathroom.)  I'm going to brush my teeth, wash my face and pooh, Dad.

DADD|Y:  (Intrigued by this creative play method to get our daughter to wash up and get ready for bed independently, goes to help her set up her toothbrush, paste, rinsing cup and washcloth.)

LS:  (After washing her face, brushing and rinsing her mouth, comes back to report her success.)  I did it, Mom!  I'm faster than you.

ME:  Wow!  You did that ALL by YOURSELF?  I'm impressed!  Hmm, but I think we can still be faster once the baby is done eating... you still haven't gone pee yet.  And you still have hair ties in your hair.

LS:  (Runs off to the bathroom again.)  I can go pee by myself, Mom.

ME:  (I get up with the baby, and put him on the potty standing in front of the mirror where his change table is.)  Really???  You can go pee all by yourself?  Well, Baby, maybe she is going to be faster... but we can still win.  Sister isn't in bed yet, and her lights are still on.

LS:  (Comes into my room with a heating bag.)  Mom, I need something. 

ME:  Ask Daddy for help.

LS:  (Runs off to the kitchen to get Daddy to put the heating bag in the microwave so that her feet are nice and warm under her comforter.  Hurries back to her room, turns off her light and goes into bed.)  Mom, I'm already in bed.

How amazing was that!  I just HAD to write this all down to share.  This scene is so much more effective and less stressful than the evenings during this past Summer when she would stay up... in fact, it's fun! 

I am so grateful for this creative fun game-like method to motivate my very capable four year old to put herself to bed.  It wasn't always like this.

At the Peak of Bedtime Refusal

During the roughest days, weeks and months of bedtime routine refusal, my husband and I both exherted an enormous amount of energy to get her to comply with this very basic part of the day. 

It started off with just small whines of "I don't want to brush my teeth," but then escalated with total body refusal.  As the minutes dragged on, emotions would flare up.  "Come on, it's past your bed time!"  "I'm not sleepy!"  Then the unwarranted physical manipulation would come about... it would be  struggle, screaming, crying and tears to bed.  We'd end up feeling guilty or anger, and she'd go to bed mad at us (mostly my husband since he was the one putting both bigger kids to bed).

Over the Summer, after the baby was born, I offered my husband to take over the role of putting our daughter to bed.  For months, my husband had taken on the role of putting both kids (the 6 year old and 4 year old) to bed at night while I cleaned the kitchen.  My husband had done his fair share, so it was my turn.  My husband accepted the offer on the spot.

At first, it took a LOT of work.  It was like she was a baby that needed me there physically.  When I first try something, I don't know exactly what I'm going to do.  I just go with the flow and whatever inspires me.  Perhaps some of this comes from playing with my son with autism in his special play room.

My Intention

My intentions were clear in my mind.  Of course I ultimately wanted for her to go to bed on time clean, but I was going to do it in a way that respected her.  I've always been one to ask a lot of questions.  I ask a lot of "why" questions, so naturally, I wanted to know why my daughter didn't want to brush her teeth or go to sleep.  But asking a strong-willed child why she doesn't want to brush her teeth when you've got the toothbrush right in front of her face, she's just going to refuse even more. 

I suspected she didn't want to brush her teeth upon command.  She is her own person.  Why should she brush her teeth just because some grown-ups say it's time to? 

So, what was I going to do?  If I were a little girl, I'd want to stay up and play, have fun.  I love games too, even as an adult, so I started being playful with the teethbrushing.

One day I came up with characters made up of two tubes of toothpaste.  Since the brand of the toothpaste is Green Beaver, I called the tubes "Beavers."  LS picked up on this nearly right away.  She called them the silly Beavers.  Since introducing the Beavers, I've also made her rinsing cup, toothbrush, shampoo -- anything! -- come alive.  Children have a very wild imagination, and it's been so refreshing to use mine to such an enjoyable degree with my daughter.

Basically, I would make up funny voices and animate the items as if they were puppets.  These characters would have a conversation either with LS or amongst themselves about brushing teeth, whether LS can do something faster or by herself.  This playing method takes a lot more imagination, but is a LOT more effective than the method of telling her what to do.

Other Creative Ideas to Motivate Teethbrushing:

• Pretending that we were part of a show, and that LS was the star
• Pretending we were at the dentist's office brushing her teeth
• Brushing her teeth upside-down
• Getting her stuffed plush animal to brush her teeth
• Getting her to brush my teeth while I brushed hers
• Using sodium bicarbonate (baking soda) instead of toothpaste, using essential oils
• Singing a toothbrushing song, and dancing to it as she brushed
• Getting a Youtube video for her to watch about brushing teeth
• Pretending that there was a fire in her mouth, and the firefighters (the toothbrush and water) had to save people (the teeth)

There are so many possibilities on how to motivate your child to do something you want her to do.  Deep down, we just all want to feel important, respected.  When people tell us what to do (my mother still does that all the time) all the time, we could resist.  In this example here, my daughter DOES know how to wash up and go to bed by herself, but me telling her to do it is just not motivating.  Not all kids are motivated by the same things like LS (a bit of friendly competition, humour and imaginary play). 

I think the key is to really be calm, loving, patient, understanding before trying to get anyone to do anything. 

Have you ever had any challenges with brushing your children's teeth?  How did you resolve the situation?  I love hearing from you!  Leave me a comment.

Have a blessed day,